My Journey

A year ago this month (10-18-05) I found out that I had breast cancer. A suspicious lump was found on my annual mamogram that the doc decided to watch and re-do a mamo in 4-6 month's time. Needless to say I did not wait 6 months but returned in 4 months only to find that the lump had grown quite a bit in that time. An appointment was made with a surgeon (who is a wonderful person-he has a way about him-I trust him with my life....hell I did trust him with my life!) who scheduled a core biopsy. Even though the lump had grown he didnt think that it was cancer, just didnt look like cancer. Dr D knew that we had planned on spending a long weekend up north with friends so rather than wait until Monday to tell me he called me at home to tell me that I did in fact have cancer and went on to say that he didnt want me to wait all weekend to find out. I was glad that he didnt wait.

Needless to say to hear this news is quite numbing. Poor David, I can't even begin to think how he felt. And Lenny...this news on the tails of Granny's passing. What a kick in the gut.

That night I went to bed, turned on Lifetime TV (yes I'm addicted to it!!!) and there was Melissa Etheridge doing a concert for breast cancer. Now I am not a Melissa Etheridge fan but I am so thankful that she happened to be on that night. She too is a BC survivor and said the words that I lived by....talk about it it takes away the fear. I talked to anyone that would listen (and still do so there!) and it helped me cope.

I also am a firm believer that you choose your attitude. Your glass can either be half empty or half full. You can take what is dealt you and make the best of it or you can throw your hand in and quit. Quit I did not and have not. This is not to say that there wont be down days, days when you feel like crawling into bed and crying. Or running around the house screaming and yelling and throwing things when no one is looking-this is my personal favorite. I just did it yesterday and felt much better. Crying gives me a headache and makes me tired..ranting and raving suites me much better!

My mastectomy removed all of the cancer that they know of. There was no lymp node involvement and on December 6th I began chemotherapy. This has been and will be a long journey but we will walk it one day at a time.

You know, the cancer and treatment of has been the easy part really. You just do what you have to do. Dr D told me that I would mourn the loss of my breast, I thought no not me....well yup I did for a few days mourn that loss and it surprised me. However, the most difficult part is what the ramifications of this disease does to your self esteem.

The chemo makes you feel like a real idiot-it's chemo fog and boy it's thick. For many losing their hair hits them hard. For me it was losing my job that kicked me in the gut. BUT everything happens for a reason and I needed to be out of that environment. You certainly do learn who your friends really are when you go through something like this tho.

Last night I met a gal whose grandma and mom have had breast cancer. She is afraid, afraid to do self exams, afraid to do any testing for herself for fear of what she will find. I understand that fear. Prior to my diagnosis I did not do self exams because I did not want to feel that lump and only did mamograms because my doc insisted. I am hear to tell you though that it pays to be proactive. Finding something early increases your chance of cure/survival.

Along with ranting and raving my other saving grace has been my camera. There is nothing more I like than to walk in the woods taking pictures of whatever it is I may see. I am closing today with some pictures that I took up north last weekend. Enjoy and buy pink stuff this month.

This is what is left of the colorful leaves in our woods.

Looking through our woods as the sun sets on a cold, cloudy blustery day.

Our dogs Tackla and Peeko who love the woods as much as we do. Poor Peeko who has curly hair gets into the burs and bad. He has had his tail stuck to his butt, his ears stuck to his head and his lip so full that he cant move it! You'd think he's learn to stay out of them but NO.

Since it's breast cancer awareness month

I wanted to insert an image of the well known pink ribbon but I'll be darned if I can figure out how to do it! Lenny-Kelly helpppppppp.

UPDATE - ABOUT 6 HOURS LATER...I DID IT ARENT YOU PROUD OF ME! I LOVE THIS RIBBON, LOVE WHAT IT SAYS DAMN IT!

So anyway yesterday we completed yet another milestone on this journey. I had my last expander fill at Mayo. David had made the comment that I had just completed another milestone but nope David you have walked this journey with me every step of the way, it is our journey, WE completed another milestone.

I left the office yesterday and got a hug from the RN who has been doing my fills every week. We both became teary eyed for goodness sake! Crazy huh? But when you see some of these folks every week for months you get used to seeing them.

I now have 645 cc's of saline in each expander. Dinah (the RN who did the fills) said that my process went very well. I know that some are able to have a very little at a time put in (25 cc's) because folks it is uncomfortable! The expander is under the pec muscle and each time that they do a fill the muscle and skin are stretched. It feels like someone is sitting on your chest and your back at the same time or that you have done bench presses with way too much weight on the bar for way too long. But in the end it will all be worth it.

At the time of the expander placement surgery my plastic surgeon put 100cc's in the left one and 150 in the right. At my first fill Dinha put 150 and 200 in to make them even and bring them to 300 cc's. The next two visits I had 75 cc's put in and then went down to 50 cc's at each visit. I now have to wait 6 months to allow the expanders to do their job of stretching everything and make a good pocket for the implants. After 6 months they draw off 200 cc's (which will then be my 'real' size) and I wait another two months for the implant exchange. All of this is to lessen the risk of complications. One of the major complications is capsular contrature. This is when the membrane that forms around the implant tightens and squeezes the implant causing it to be mishapen or the skin to wrinkle. So, they overfill to create a much larger than needed pocket. I should also say that implants will not last for life. It is like a hip or knee replacement sort of, they too wear out. Implants typically last 10 years or so and then you may have to do the process over again! Crazy huh? Now they can also give you a nipple and tatto areolas. I have looked at pictures of the finished process and they really do look absolutly real. To make the nipple they sort of twist the skin forming a nipple and then stitching it to make it stay.

So to celebrate this leg of the journey I was going to go somewhere really fun and take a few pictures. The weather didnt cooperate as it became cloudy and there were storm warnings out (Kelly did you ever get your weather radio working...hahaha) so I took a few pics at home. My camera has been a bit of a lifesaver. The weekend that I was diagnosed we spent up north and I took loads of pictures. It relaxed me and kept my mind off of the cancer. My advice to anyone that receives a diagnosis like this is to find that 'thing' that will take your mind off of the not so good stuff, keep a positive attitude and take one step at a time. You know your glass can either be half empty or half full. Choose your attitude.

These are two of the pictures that I took yesterday














Above is Pixie, our good friend and neighbor's dog. She is the most photogenic dog ever, is always doing something that screams....take my picture. Here she is in our other neighbor's bird bath 'diving' for a rock! Those that know Pix know that she carries an attitude and is a free thinker. She does things on her terms and that is that! It does cause her (and her owner) some trouble but ya gotta love her.















This is a Mexican Sunflower that is just now blooming. A friend of mine (M&M) gave these to me a few months back. They are a great flower and as you can see the color is fabulous. It's fun to have this color this time of year in the flower garden.

Oh I have to share. In my vegetable garden this year I planted tomatoes, muskmellon and watermellon. As the season went on they vined all over the place (now I am not a gardener at all, have no clue what stuff is supposed to look like so keep that in mind when reading this!). And then they bloomed I had blooms all over the place and thought I was going to have one heck of a crop of one or the other. So I then had these big green and what I thought were watermellons growing all over. I picked one (with two of my neighbor's help...I am not alone in this know nothing gardening business...haha) and we cut it open hoping to get a nice juicy watermellon. My goodness the thing was hard to cut but cut it we did. And on the inside it sure didnt look like a watermellon. It had these big huge seeds and the 'meat' was sort of stringy. My one neighbor (that would be you Jessica) thought perhaps we had a squash-but I didnt plant squash so we're still thinking give them time and they will look like watermellons. The season goes on and now we can diffinitly see the watermellon and muskmellon and finally figure out that what we had cut were pumpkins. I didnt plant pumpkins for goodess sake where oh were did they come from. Jessica had thrown her last year's carved pumpkin in the garden area so what I had growing must be from that. I have about 12 very large pumpkins now in my pumpkin patch. How fun is that! Lenny, Kelly and two fo Kelly's friends came a week ago to go through the pumpkin patch for their Halloween pumpkins. Their friend's picked two and they picked one. Kel has dibs on another as soon as it ripens. And David and I picked one of the watermellon last night, it was really quite good. It is the only one that I did get. The muskmellon didnt fare so well but oh well it has been fun to watch...and to figure out!

October is breast cancer awareness month. In honor of this I would like to recognize the caretakers of not only those of us with breast cancer but of those who are caretakers to anyone with a dibilitating disease.
My husband has been my rock during this entire journey. He has been supportive and has been there when I need him. This breast cancer thing threw us for a loop. We had not planned on this nope we had not. In fact we planned on retiring in 2.5 years, purchasing a motorhome and going on the road full time.
After I was diganosed I took an FMLA (leave of abscense that work places are required to give by law). Once the FMLA ran out I received a letter stating that I needed to return to work or they were going to fill my position. I was, at that time, in the middle of my chemotherapy regime and was in no way able to return to my high stress job of taking care of vulnerable people when I was not able to fully care for myself. SO, we have been a one income family for a bit now. This of course certainly throws your 'plans' for a loop. My husband however has not once made me feel badly for having lost my job. He in fact says that it will work out, we will do what we need to do.
Well what we are going to do (the plan for now anyhow as you never know what life may throw you tomorrow) is to for-go the motorhome, spend our summers at our cabin and perhaps our winters in Mexico or some other warm place where our kids might be (look out kids here we come!)
This has been a life changing diagnosis not only for me but for my husband and our relationship. We have been one of the lucky ones, it has made our relationship stronger. I dont know what I can say or do to 'recognize' him fully so I guess I will just say that I love you husband and am so very thankful that you are in my life.
To my female friends-you need to know that anyone can get breast cancer, even those that are very young. Get to know your body, do self exams. Prior to my diagnosis I did not do self exams, never wanted to know I guess. I was lucky, we caught my cancer in it's early stages via an annual mamogram. After I had my initial mastectomy and prior to the propylatic mastectomy of the other breast I DID self exam during EVERY shower! And remember to get your annual mamograms.

Changing the subject totally...imagine that huh? I have a friend with a birthday. Happy birthday to you dear friend. She is the blonde one. Hey in fact she is still blonde by golly!Yeah I know, the pic was a long time ago, what a crew huh?????

The Hair Story-Thus Far!

I thought I would share my hair comings and goings. For me, losing my hair wasnt as emotional as it is for some. In fact I found the lack of hair to be rather easy. I mean taking a shower was a breeze-no head hair to shampoo and cream rinse and then of course dry and do whatever it is that I may have done with it! No leg and underarm hair to shave-gees showers really were very quick!

I started chemo on 12-6-05. This is a picture of my hair pre-chemo. It's interesting but right before I was diagnosed I had decided, for the first time in my life, that I finally am OK with my hair I liked it in fact. The same minute that that thought ran through my head another little thought ran through saying, 'Yeah but your not going to have it for very long'. So here it is, the curls that I had finally decided were OK to have. As you can see I am NOT very good in front of a camera.





This next picture was taken on 12-8-06, two days after I started chemo. I was told that my hair would start falling our in two weeks and didnt want to wait for it to fall out in long trendels so I had it cut short and colored for fun.




I sort of liked this cut but it didnt last long because by golly my hair started falling out right at the two week mark. On 12-22-05 I had Lenny and David take a trimmer to it and this is what I ended up with. Notice the thinning on the top!





Well it kept thinning so I decided it was time to shave it totally bald. The honors were done by David and our daughter Rachel (who was home for Christmas). Here I am in all my bald glory on 12-27-05. People wondered if David shaved his head to match mine...nope he's been like that for awhile.




Now I knew that I would never wear a wig. To me it would have been like having uncomfortable tight clothing on....yuck. And anyone that knows me and my lack of 'style' ability knows that I certainly couldnt work with those scarves that folks wear on their heads....oh I can just see me trying to wrap one of those on and trying to make it look decent! I did (and only because my head got cold) wear baseball hats once and awhile and of course stocking hats outside and to bed at times! I had a funny thing happen to me while in Mexico in February 2006. I of course went bald. We were at a bar/resturant and I was walking to the bano (bathroom) and about to enter the dama's (ladies) door when behind me I hear, 'Senor Senor no no not that one' or something to that affect. A waiter thought because I was bald that I was a man and was entering the wrong bathroom! Of course I thought it was a riot but he was totally embarrassed. Too funny I say.
This next picture was taken in LasVegas last January. We went to spend New Year's Eve with our friends Mikey and Jan. We spied this sign and thought it fit me quite well...topless as in hair that is!




These next two pictures are of my hair finally growning back, and yup, showers are no longer a breeze! Although I do like having hair on my head again. I once had very curly hair and it is coming back straight. Before I lost my hair I had a strand or two of grey, the rest was brown. It is coming back grey. I have had two hair cuts already mostly to shape it up and cut the whispy ends off. Believe it or not the ends are blonde! My hair is very very baby soft so I am not able to do much with it yet. Who am I trying to fool...I have never done anything with my hair for goodness sake-have never known how to, just dont have the knack I guess!
The first picture was taken in July and the second in September. My wonderful daughter in law to be tells me every time that she sees me how much my hair has grown...I LOVE to hear it!

The hair may not be growing too quicly but it sure is getting thicker. Oh my god I take a terrible picture huh??

D and BW

So I was told that I should start a blog. However I have never thought that I had much to say that anyone else would want to hear. Imagine my surprise when it was my son that suggested I start a blog and HE is the one who has never listened to what I have to say-so there Lenny!! When my Mom passed I wanted to start a message board to enable the Grunst clan to 'stay connected', however I didnt get that done so this may be the next best thing. As my friends buy motor homes and go on the road full time I also thought that this may be a way to stay connected-although Jan and Mikey already have their very own blog so now you two you will need to keep up with mine huh?
For those that are interested I will use this space to ramble about my breast cancer treatment in hopes of making more people aware of the disease, ramble about my reconstructive surgery experience, perhaps keep everyone posted on our progress up north and maybe post a picture or two that I have taken. I am new to this process so bear with me. I think that you can add
comments to my blogs so feel free to do so.
I will end my very first blog with a picture of our dream in northern MN. This is our little 18x24 cabin being moved to our lot through the streets of Longville. It is now a tad larger with two added rooms, new windows and siding etc.